The areas in red will be changed or updated in the final edits. I am keeping it there for now and will work on it at a later date. Nothing is set in stone until it goes to print. Thank goodness! ;)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Beep,
beep, beep”.
I rolled over, pressed the snooze button, yanked the down
comforter up to my chin, and pulled the pillow up over my head.
“Beep, beep, beep”.
The alarm seemed more insistent this time so I turned it
off, sat up and stretched. Yawning and mussing my long, brown hair, I stood up
and went to the window to open the curtains. I reached up for a full body
stretch as I peered out at the gray, overcast sky. A wind was blowing through
the trees prematurely sending leaves to the ground. The lake was deserted this morning;
there were usually fishermen out there by dawn.
“Lovely, it looks like it’s going to rain Zeus.” Summer rain
was not uncommon for our area [Where is here??!!].
I bent down and rubbed the big dog’s hip. He rolled over,
groaning and pretended to go back to sleep.
I found a hair tie on the dresser and tossed my unruly hair
into a quick bun then padded down the hall in my bare feet. All I could think
about was getting the coffee ready. I set up the automatic coffee maker then headed
for my sunroom converted to office/art studio.
The cloudy day matched my mood. I sat down at the computer
and reread the email from Jason:
Dear Jessica,
I guess it was just a matter of time before you found out. I
can’t go on living a lie with you. I DO want to be married. I DO want to have
more children. I am in love with Kristi.
I hope you know I love you and always will. I wish you the
best and I hope you understand why I have to dissolve our relationship.
Best Wishes,
Jason
“’Dissolve our relationship?’ Does he always have to sound
like Mr. MBA? What is he thinking anyway? We haven’t had a relationship in months! And besides, I am the one who ended it last
night! He always has to have the last word!” Zeus had come into the room when
he heard me talking to myself. He found his rawhide bone where he left it
in the living room and brought it in dropping it near my foot before flopping
down next to my chair.
For the last three years, Jason had been telling me he had
no interest in being married. His previous marriage had ended badly and was
emotionally draining on the entire family. As part of the divorce agreement, he
lost the house they built together, ended up paying a ton in child support for
a few years and was still paying thousands in alimony to his ex-wife. This letter
was just further evidence of my denial and of
our poor communication. Every time he claimed he didn’t want to be married I
agreed as if it was my dream too. It really wasn’t. I should have been more
honest with myself and with him. I don’t know what made him change his mind.
Perhaps, he wanted to remarry all along and believed the lie I was trying to
tell myself.
“Zeus, I should have listened to you. You were right, I was
wrong. Why did I waste my time on this man? He was never going marry me and I
knew that from the start. What lesson could I possibly need to learn from this
man?”
The shepherd rolled his eyes, licked my hand, and whined.
“Time to go out, huh?”
I wandered back into the kitchen and let the dog out into
the yard. Then I poured myself a cup of the fresh coffee and wandered out to
the front patio. Billy, the paperboy, had left my paper on the top stair. I let
him know at the start of the year that if he made sure to get the paper on the
staircase he would get a good tip for the holidays. He had been careful the
last 8 months and I had not had to step off my front steps to get my paper
since then.
As I sipped my coffee, I sat on my porch swing and reflected
on my life and recent events. Here I am, a 40-something year old, successful
business owner, living in my dream home with my dog, and no one to share it
with.
I really believed that Jason was “the one” despite the fact
he didn’t want to get married. In my heart, I knew I was settling. I do want to
be married. I do want to have a family. I do want kids to run up and down the
hallways of my home, to play in the big front yard under the old willow or to
swim in the black bottom, infinity pool overlooking the lake. I never expected
Jason would cheat on me though. While things were not perfect, we had always
been able to discuss our feelings, or so I thought.
The best thing I could do
for myself is move forward. As hurt and heartbroken as I was, I am not the kind
to crumble in situations like this. I knew that obsessing was not going to make
anything better so, I proceeded to live my life without Jason.
